10 Simple Rules For Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

I don't think I'm going to rock anyone's world when I tell you that people are freaking obsessed with zombies.

Personally I'm not... a huge fan? I'm not a big fan of horror in general and even if I was, zombies aren't much of a fright button for me because clumsy metaphors usually don't terrify me! I get it, I get it, ravening hordes, mall rats, pop culture, etc.

And yet, a list of zombie media I have consumed, to date:
Ashes by Ilsa Bick
Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion
The Forest of Hands and Teeth series by Carrie Ryan
I Am Legend (whatevs it totally counts)
The Gathering Dead by Stephen Knight
Shaun of the Dead
Resident Evil

So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a hypocrite. Or possibly that zombies are so ubiquitous in our culture that it's very difficult to completely avoid them. I mean, when the actual government of your country starts a zombie preparedness blog, you know there's no escape. Oh and the UK government did it too. Right now one of the most popular shows on TV is The Walking Dead, which just ended its third season and will begin its fourth season in October 2013.

In honor of the fact that apparently you truly cannot escape the ravening hordes, this is a list of MY top zombie advice. In the case of an actual zombie apocalypse ever occurring (and none of this namby-pamby "we beat back the hordes after a few months" business, I mean THE WORLD IS OVER kind of zombie apocalypse), follow these rules and you may live a little longer!

1. Okay so electricity and utilities are gonna die out real quick since all the people that usually make those things work are going to be busy either running or getting their brains eaten. Therefore, make hay while the sun shines! Get on the internet (in a safe location) and print out tons and tons of info about survival and edible plants and siphoning gas. Just go to Pinterest and type in "wilderness", you'll be fine.

2. When the internet goes out, get thee to a library and steal anything a) useful and b) small. Plant guides, farming guides, MAPS, medical textbooks, basic guides to other languages.

3. Then go to a wilderness supply store and take a really warm sleeping bag, ammonia tablets, a camelback, a good knife, a radio, a GPS, batteries, the equipment for making fire, a good pot, rope, and every single granola bar in the place. Oh, and a backpack to put it in, obviously.

4. Steal either a motorcycle or a Honda and siphon the gas out of every abandoned car you find.

5. Do. Not. Talk. To. Strangers. Are you crazy?

6. Do pick up a stray dog. Unless you're Will Smith, having a dog will almost always work out for you.

7. Boil your water. All of it. No unboiled water for you. Or me. Or anyone.

8. Leather is harder to bite through so wear leather but c'mon guys, the goal here is to STAY AWAY FROM ZOMBIES. Do not go near enough to get bitten! Head for the hills and DO NOT COME BACK FROM THE HILLS FOR AT LEAST THREE MONTHS.

9. If you're being chased always head toward the main level rather than up so you don't get cornered but SERIOUSLY GUYS WHAT DID I TELL YOU THE POINT OF THIS IS TO NOT EVER GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO GET CHASED. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME.

10. Pencil and paper or berries and rocks, any kind of art that helps you remember your humanity is great as long as it doesn't make noise. Be quiet, good grief.

And those are my tips for surviving the highly unlikely and highly metaphorical zombie apocalypse! In case of emergency, break glass.