Disney Sequelester - Mulan II

Well, this sure is a movie.

All the village girls are in love with Mulan because they want Mulan to teach them how to fight. I like this beginning. On the utterly crap side, Mulan immediately demurs that "but I'm still learning myself!" Mulan, you defeated the jaundiced Hun army single-handedly by blowing a firecracker up their leader's ass. I think you're experienced enough.

And then we have this incredibly bullshit song about how you have to be hard *and* soft, and it's okay to be afraid. Yeah, hear many Disney Princes singing about that, do you?

See that little girl to Mulan's left? That's the face of someone who knows
some bullshit when she sees it.

Then Shang shows up, Mulan fawns all over him shamelessly, and the girls cackle at his hilariously terrible attempts at proposing. He tries again, and Mulan has changed outfits because the animators are super lazy.

Mulan tells Mushu that he's her most trusted friend, and, um... why? He's awful. Canonically awful. He walks on people just because he can.

No, really.

Mushu will continue to be atrocious for the rest of the movie. Also, Sequel Mushu is not voiced by Eddie Murphy. He's voiced by a white guy pretending to be Eddie Murphy, which is probably the only thing worse than actual Eddie Murphy.

LEAVE

If Mulan and Shang are going to go on another pointless mission, they're gonna need they're team back. They're gonna need - OMG I MISSED YOU MATCHMAKER LADY!!!!!

Actual dialogue: "Come back to me when you get personalities!"

Watching the three bros get their asses handed to them for being annoying misogynists is extremely happy-making. Matchmaker Lady kicks them out and they fall right into Mulan's tender clutches.

Mulan and Shang talk to the Emperor, who has a plan to unite his kingdom with an ally through his daughters marriages.

The Emperor is doing might well to have daughters
those ages.

But it must happen in THREE DAYS ONLY THREE DAYS because plans and reasons and there's a map so it makes sense, okay?

Someone had to carve that goofy hair.

And then Mulan steps up all burdened and self-righteous with, "Your Highness, an arranged marriage?"

Hey Mulan, remember this?

"Ancestors, hear my plea
Help me not to make a fool of me
And to not uproot my family tree
Keep my father standing tall.
Scarier than the undertaker
We are meeting our matchmaker!"

Heh, yeah, oh right, you were not only willing but actively hoping to take part in an arranged marriage. It's almost like you're a hypocrite or something!

And see, this is where historical accuracy and pop culture princesshood collide in the worst of ways. Wouldn't it be so much more interesting and relevant to show arranged marriage in, if not a positive light, then at least an understanding one? That thing that 55% of the world's women participate in, according to UNICEF statistics?

Arranged marriage is not common among the ethnic groups that have populated America for the longest time (other than native populations possibly? IDK on that and it's not really relevant to this discussion anyway), and yes, Disney's content is targeted to satisfy the largest percentages possible. But America grows less homogenous by the day, and the world as a whole is shrinking as we come into contact with other cultures via plane, train, internet, and reality TV. Personally, I'm close to several people who either have had or will have arranged marriages. Do I agree with the practice personally? Well, does it matter? 

Arranged marriages happen among consenting adults. This is a thing. It would have been a much more interesting (not to mention more respectful and historically accurate) angle to address arranged marriage as a legitimate choice rather than just a vague bogeyman. We never even see the men that the princesses are supposed to be engaged to. The mere idea of an arranged marriage is meant to inspire horror in us.

This notion in turn causes a secondary problem; the Princess Problem, as I call it, where our culture is obsessed with the idea of being a princess but hates all of the actual things that princesses do.

See, if the girls don't follow through with these arranged marriages, this other king will declare war (for reasons, whatever). As princesses, their job is to do right by their kingdom in any way that they can. Which means that if these girls choose to marry random guys they've known for three days just because they feel like it, they're bad princesses. Maybe even bad people.

I will give the movie credit, at least they don't turn the Emperor into a huge douchecanoe. He just says that his daughters consider it an honor to serve their kingdom. So obviously they go outside and have a Cinderella moment and immediately fall in the love with the guards.

Pictured: Something that would be way less attractive with foot binding.

Mushu is the absolute worst, so he decides to break up Mulan and Shang in order to keep his job. Mushu is... challenged at plotting. He decides to mildly annoy Shang until he... something. Here is a list of Mushu's master plan, itemized.

1. Hook his fishing line in his shirt.

2. Undo his horse's girth.

3. Put worms down the back of his shirt.

4. Bees

5. Bear

6. Assorted leftover wildlife

And then the carriage falls off a cliff totally by accident, because 1 cliff per Disney movie is required by the cliff union.

Actual dialogue of the princess: "Keep paddling... look how good you're
doing. What a brave boy." I kind of love her.

Now everyone's all deep in love and the Princesses are unable to cope with their lot in life. And they sing about it, as ye do.

Let's have another analysis, shall we?

I wanna be like other girls 
Climb up a tree like other girls can (yes very accepted in ancient China)

Just to be free like other girls (hahahahahahhaha)
Get to be 

To slouch when i sit (and be judged by all the other noblewomen)
To eat a whole cake (if you were in the top 1% of the population)
Feel the sun on my feet (my feet that are in agony, oh God, oh God!)

Get dirty (in the fields planting rice all day)
Act silly (get locked away until the demons leave you)
Be anything i want to be (as long as you either want to be a mother or a mother)
To dance around
In my underwear (okay, or a whore)

To run really fast (a whopping 1/4 of a mile per hour top speed with bound feet)

Shang is very angry that everyone's in love and refusing to complete the mission, when CLIFF HAPPENS!!!! Mulan decides that Shang will not have died in vain, so she is going to marry all three of this dude's son's, I guess.

What is with dudes falling into rivers and getting sexually harassed
by their horses?

There is altogether too much horse love in this movie.

Hurray, the only Disney prince with nipples isn't dead! And he comes to rescue Mulan. Mushu gets the idea to do the exact same thing he did in the first movie, and pretends to be a big important dragon. Not As Cool Emperor whimpers and says it's fine if Mulan marries Shang instead... and the movie ends. Just like that. You greedy kids and your denouements.

The premise of Mulan II is flawed, simplistic, and kind of offensive. It lacks any sort of subtlety or depth. It's a paint-by-numbers plot that drives its points home like Wile E. Coyote.

But this is why execution is so, so important you guys, because I have to be honest, I don't hate this movie.

The characters do stupid things, but they do them in endearing ways. The new characters are engaging and, if not deeply complex, at least not hollow caricatures. The animation isn't half bad. More than a couple jokes are laugh out loud funny.

Shang: "Seems your family invited someone to help celebrate the
engagement."
Mulan: "Really? Ugh. Who?"
Shang: "China."

On the other hand, it's based on preconceived notions that are inaccurate, poorly thought out, and objectionable. So yeah, you might actually enjoy this movie. But you'll feel a little dirty inside.

Disney Sequelester - The Lion King 1 1/2

Something that's never really come up thus far in our sequel adventures is the topic of the sidekicks. That's mostly because, well, the movies have bigger problems. I've touched a little on my dislike of the Genie, but that's about it, and that's because Robin William's voice is worth more shiny dollars than your soul and he's completely unavoidable in the Aladdin franchise.

Anyway, in spite of being a pretty die-hard Disney fan as these things go, I loathe the sidekicks. Yes, all of them (except Iago, who probably doesn't even count). Not only that, but I've actually always loathed the sidekicks. I know they put the Mushus and Terks and Flounders in to appease dumb little brats being babysat by Auntie TV, but even as a kid I hated them. I wanted drama, dammit, not Genie constantly barging in to break any interesting tension like the freaking Kool-Aid man.

Welcome to DISNEY SIDEKICKS: THE MOVIE.

Pictured: Something definitely
necessary.

Oh Disney sequels, you're always finding new and special ways to torment me.

So at some point, someone up at Disney Co. patted the cryogenically frozen head of their fearless leader and said, "Walt, you know what the company needs? It needs to take one of our most epic and beloved movies and MST3K it from the point of view of the painfully annoying sidekicks."

Walt was silent, as most cryo-heads are, and the movie was made.

Let's get this straight: I love MST3K. I mean, c'mon, obviously, how am I even spending my life right now. My Dad introduced me to it when I was in middle school, I infected all my little buddies, and I've sort of lost track of where I was going with this, but the point is that if you think this sounds like an awesome idea, it's not.

Here's the problem - no, you know what, I'm not going to use my words on this one, because I'm pretty sure I can sum up the problem with this movie in one picture.

Yeah, I think that about does it.

Besides the fact that The Lion King 1 1/2 takes a truly excellent movie and dumps all over it, there's also the undeniable fact that this movie is about nothing. And I do mean nothing.

I hate prequels in general, particularly of the time-travel variety (looking at you, MIB3), which this movie essentially is. I dislike prequels because the whole concept of a prequel destroys tension from the onset. The audience knows what is going to happen, and that means that the journey better be a hell of a ride.

This movie is roughly split into three parts: Timon sucks at being a meerkat. Timon and Pumba on House Hunters: Savanna. Timon and Pumba follow the events of the movie, only with more dumb jokes instead of memorable songs and epic moments.

And that's it. That... is it. We watch The Lion King, Timon and Pumba make fart jokes and destroy the gravity of the original scenes, and we end up right where we came from, except with a new and heavy weight on our souls.

Timon daydreaming about the paradise he wants to live in.
Wow, it's almost like this scene is ENTIRELY POINTLESS
since we've already SEEN HIM THERE.

It's rare that this is the case, but The Lion King 1 1/2 is unique in that it not only doesn't work, it couldn't work. It's not just that the execution is poor, it's that the whole concept of the movie is fundamentally flawed.

MST3K-ing only works when there's something to comment on. Film is a visual medium, and if it shows you everything, it doesn't need to explain every last minute detail out loud. Not only that, but The Lion King is a technically excellent movie. I mean sure, you could MST3K Fight Club or The Godfather, but who would watch it? Who would want to? What would you gain from it, other than a deep and abiding headache?

We've seen this whole movie before, only with about a tenth of the fart jokes. And, y'know, better. This movie is such an utter waste of time that it's actually offensively pointless.

Those Seven Highly Effective People Probably Had More Time Than Me

Or was it people that just happened to have seven super special awesome chocolate-covered habits? Oh well.

You've probably noticed that the blog's slowed down a bit lately (sorry! Lion King 1/2 is coming in the next couple days, I swear!). That's because my life has been crazy, in the family and friends lovingly asking, "When are you going to relax because I am going to kill you and hide the body in the woods if you don't chill out," kind of way.

I have a book that I'm editing that should be coming out soon, and a book that I was supposed to be Nano-ing. So far I win the Least Successful Nano award, with a grand total of 0 words. See my might and tremble.

Part of the busy-ness is that I'm still working on Giraffe the Wonder Horse. He can now canter mostly without incident, and I can leave the stall door open while I go about my business and he knows that isn't an invitation to wander. He also enjoys crowding in on my selfies.

The other much bigger part is that B and I are buying a house. And goooooood lord people. I've worked for the Army and I'm in finance, so I'm no stranger to legalese and needlessly complicated paperwork. But seriously, this crap is so complicated and overwrought, how do most people ever manage to buy a house?!

House Hunters makes home buying look fun (and yes, I am addicted, I'm answering my millions of emails and voicemails with it permanently playing in the background). And while in my head I like to imagine myself as an intrepid adventurer, in reality I loathe change and uncertainty with the passion of a thousand dying suns.

But we found a condo that we really like, we've had an offer accepted, and now we're just waiting on everyone to get finished shopping around our loans and all those other lovely (imagine intense air quotes here) things. So fingers crossed that this all finishes soon so I can stop fussing with house nonsense and start being able to focus on other things... and also get to decorate my own place for Christmas. CHRISTMAAAAAAAASSSSS!