50 Shades is Cast

... and the world shall never be quite the same. Or something.

Can we just talk for a second, tho, about how hilarious this all becomes if we think about Charlie Hunnam playing Christian Grey as his character from Pacific Rim? Because while I had my issues with Pacific Rim being portrayed as this feminist marvel, there is no bigger fan of Mako Mori than Raleigh "Founder and President of the Mako Mori Fan Club" Becket.

The best part about Pacific Rim was how Raleigh followed Mako around with this ridiculous smile on his face, bouncing everywhere she went, doing everything but wagging his tail. Dude loved Mako Mori. She was the best thing he'd ever seen ever, and not even in a sexual way, in an "omg you are so cool can we be friends hi I hid under your peep hole because I love you" way.

A BDSM scene with Raleigh-Hunnam-as-Christian would be hysterical. "Hi Ana I got this rope because I thought maybe you'd like to try rope but then I didn't know if you wanted handcuffs instead so I got handcuffs or do you want to put the handcuffs on me that would be fun too what's your favorite eye color is it blue because I can get contacts or do you like puppies because I'm rich so you know you could have a puppy like RIGHT NOW omg ilu."

"TAKE ME NOW ANA."

It would be awesome, is all I'm sayin'!

Top Ten Wedding DONT'S

Yes, wedding "don'ts"... from 1904.

This was a birthday present. Readers, I cackled. Best birthday present ever? And now I'm here for you to hold your hand through this tour guide of the mysterious realm of 1904. Ready?

1. Don't permit girls to form foolish ideas about men. A girl with brothers will make a wiser choice than one who has formed her ideas from heroes of fiction.

2. Don't wonder that free and easy parents often find their daughters remain unmarried. Man is a hunter who values his spoils in proportion to the difficulties overcome in the chase.

So buy some top-grade deer urine to pour over your daughter in order to aid Man in his hunt.

3. Don't scorn a bachelor girl who is living in independent fashion. It may prove amusing to divert her from anti-matrimonial theories.

Girls all want to be married and have babies. Lots of babies. ALL OF THE BABIES. ALL OF THEM.

4. Don't haunt a girl whose acquaintance you seek. There is a wide margin between accepting invitations in the hope of meeting her and walking past her house several times a day, or shadowing her in public places.

...Edward.

5. Don't bestow effusive attentions on your lover, nor boast of his devotion to you. It is good for him to see that other men are in the running.

Why, you saucy minx!

6. Don't deny later problems if you marry a man much younger than yourself. The advance of age will make you old while he remains in his prime. You may pray for death for release, or wear a wig and paint your face, but if you live long enough, both of you will suffer.

Wow, Matthew Lewis would just love this author.

7. Don't scoff at the older man who retains youth's vitality; many a girl would be proud to marry him.

PRAY FOR DEATH I SAY... Oh wait, old man, A+, would bone again.

8. Don't belittle the delicious insecurity preceding a Declaration of Love. It may be the ante-chamber to an earthly paradise. It may be a fool's paradise.

... I have no idea what this means!

9. Don't fail to ensure your lady understands that you are asking her to be your wife - she cannot urge you to be explicit.

She cannot urge you to be explicit because, as a woman, her tongue has been conveniently cut out already.

10. Don't trifle with your middle-aged fiancee by neglecting her for younger, fresher faces. Ease her burdens, and give her credit for managing so far to get through life without you.

Disney Sequelester - The Lion King II: Simba's Pride

Guys, I think I'm getting spoiled.

Let's not even play. The Lion King II: Simba's Pride is a good movie. Hell, even Roger Ebert liked it! So hardline criticism is a little ridiculous.

The thing about Simba's Pride is that it actually feels like a sequel, in a way that none of the other "sequels" do. While Pocahontas II and Aladdin III aren't bad movies, they don't feel like true sequels. Their tone and content is such a departure from the source material that they seem to be completely separate entities.

Simba's Pride is an honest-to-God sequel, to the point that it mirrors the original movie almost scene-for-scene. We have the same opening with the song that starts quietly and ends on this triumphant, bombastic finish with the cub being held up by Rafiki and adored by all the animals that it will one day eat.

It's very nice of them to trek all this way to see their
most feared predator!

We have the same shift to childhood that starts with the kid wanting to wake up and play. We have the same "kid does dangerous thing because they want an adventure", and the same lecture from the parental figure. We have the same shift to adulthood, and love interest from the past coming back into the main character's life. Etc. Even the songs all have mirrors, except for "One of Us", the song that accompanies Kovu's banishment, which is kind of unintentionally hilarious.

ANGRY JUDGING PREY ANIMALS.

At times the extreme homages get a little "been there, done that", but on the other hand, it's pretty satisfying to actually get to see Simba all grown up. In movies like The Return of Jafar and The Little Mermaid II, the characters seem to have undergone some extreme personality transplant, in part because of poor writing and in part because the plot demands it.

"We have to keep Melody away from the water!"
Because this parenting method worked so well on you, Ariel. Good plan.

The Simba of this movie has grown and changed, but is still recognizable. He's a mix of himself and his father, in a believable way. He's overprotective of his daughter Kiara, but in a way that makes sense. And there's still flashes of the lovable, mischievous cub we saw in the first movie.

Part of the reason Simba's Pride is so good may be that it was the earliest movie to have a sequel considered for it: they were actually planning for this sequel before the movie even came out. Obviously it got put off, but you can tell that love and thought went into the making of this movie (if not so much money - there's definitely places where you can see the corners that got cut.) The music isn't at all bad - in particular, Kiara's theme is very memorable. Even the singing isn't bad! Also, Joss Whedon worked on it. For whatever that's worth.

The new characters are almost all engaging and interesting. Simba's daughter Kiara is so likable that the switch in main character is no loss at all. Kovu, her love interest, is basically the Jordan Catalano of lions.

Rafiki is a little less omniscient and a little more "yell at the wind that is Mufasa" in this one, but it's not distractingly bad. The new villain, Zira, is actually much more menacing than Scar, who was definitely on the "fabulous" end of the gene pool. Zira freaks me out.

Jeeeeeeeezus.

She's Kovu's mother and the dictator of all the lions that have been banished from the Pride Lands to... a termite mound. What? IDK. Anyway they're really bitter about it, and want VENGEANCE for Scar's death. But Zira wasn't his mate, because the movie expressly tells us that Kovu wasn't Scar's son. Soooo... whose son is he, then? NEVER EXPLAINED! But Zira has plans for Kovu. Scary plans. Her big villain song is about... well, let me just quote an excerpt for you.

The sound of Simba's dying gasp
His daughter squealing in my grasp
His lionesses' mournful cry
That's my lullaby

This movie isn't truly on par with Disney's canon. The animation isn't fantastic, the movie jumps around a lot (partially in order to keep it in line with the first movie, and partially due to lesser screenwriting), and it just generally isn't as polished. But if you don't mind your movies a little rough around the edges, you'll probably enjoy Simba's Pride. I did. In spite of the blatant title pun. And in spite of the fact that "fanfiction" kept popping up after the title as a suggested Google search term, which freaks me out. I don't think the world needs lion fanfiction.

Wow, that's two decent movies in a row. I'm getting spoiled! I wonder if the next one...

Never mind.

Interview with Clovia Shaw, Author of Nogitsune!

Today, my lovelies, I have a VERY SPECIAL TREAT for you! Clovia Shaw, author of Nogitsune, agreed to answer my wonky questions for the blog! Nogitsune is one of the books I've enjoyed the most this year. It's an urban fantasy steeped in Japanese mythology instead of the usual fairies and vampires. It's clever and engaging and a ton of fun. Also it has a super cool cover, which is highly significant if you're shallow like me.

The Interview!

S: So first off, I loved the focus on Japanese mythology. They have such rich and varied lore... and also umbrella monsters. What made you pick Japanese mythology over any other?

C: Inspiration comes from so many different places during the day—a tree that seems to wave at you every time you go by, a bug that doesn’t look real, falling down a hole on the internet following links. I can’t remember why I was researching kitsune to begin with this time, but growing up nerd (as I did), East Asian art and themes were a strong thread through much of my entertainment, so it wasn’t the first time I’d looked into the lore behind the Japanese fox. This time, though, I found a caption or just a couple of lines about a practice I hadn’t heard about before, and it stuck in my head for a couple of years.

If I was going to write a story about the descendants of Japanese nature spirits, then the character had to be Asian American, which meant a foundation of Japanese folklore and legend for his UF subculture to grow out of. Because of the history I created, there’s some Chinese fox spirit imagery, too, but mostly Japanese.

S: What's your writing process like? Are you an "x number of words per day, come rain or sleet or kaiju", or do you write the entire thing in one night? (Or something in between.)

C: You’d think a kaiju day would make for a lot of words. Once the running and screaming stopped.

I’ve never been able to write on the same project every day, day in and day out. I write in spurts, with the greatest part of a novel taking me a couple or three months, usually, and then the next eighteen or so filled with paralyzing self-doubt and half-hearted jabs at editing the gelatinous monster I’ve created.

S: Okay, I read your about me, and it says, "A big fan of Kissing Books in which things blow up, Clovia lives in Annapolis, with her very patient husband and the ghost of a very good dog." I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE GHOST DOG. Does it look like Zero? Because I think it should look like Zero.

C: Hee. My dear, handsome doggy, a rescue we had for fourteen years, passed away last September. Sometimes when I’m asleep, the water heater will drip or the floor shifts, and it sounds like toenails tapping on the laminate, or I see that stout little shape out the corner of my eye, only to realize it’s a hoodie on the floor. When my husband cuts one on the couch, he still occasionally blames it on the dog. I let him.

S: What's your favorite book? Or at least give me a top 3.

C: Um. Do comic books count? Because right now I can’t stop shoving CHEW, by Layman and Guillory, in people’s faces. Top three, top three.

Lemme get back to you...never. On that.

Sorry.

S: Lastly but most importantly, what are you working on now? Is Nogitsune going to be part of a series?

C: I have plans to do at least two more. The next one, we find out more about Delia and where she came from. Then I think the three people who’ve read it will string me up by my toes if I don’t deal with what happens after The Kiss. So, yeah, haha. Probably three. I could write stories out of that world for years, but if there’s no audience for it, then it’s time to move on to another.

Currently I’m working on a portal fantasy very loosely inspired by a Danish folk creature called a valravn. Then there are the raccoons. All of these are supposed to be romances, but I’ve been trying to write a Romance for years, and it always turns into something else. I AM DETERMINED.

Thanks so much for having me on the blog, Selma!

Clovia has a website and also a Twitter where she occasionally chats with me about making robots out of vacuum cleaners.

Nogitsune:

Lincoln Black is nogitsune--a “field fox” cast aside by his family, an outsider among the hidden community of American kitsune descended from the shapeshifting fox-wives of Japanese folklore. When a curse pushes his harmless taste for his lovers' vital energy toward monstrous, uncontrollable hunger, Linc is forced back to the one place he’d—almost—rather die than go for help: home. 

The first night back in town, a cousin he doesn't know defies clan politics to enter his dreams. Wouldn't you know, he wants to strike a bargain: Find a stolen piece of a stranger’s soul, and he’ll help Linc break the curse. 

That help comes in the form of Delia, a geomancer who knows every inch of the city, and whose energy Linc finds dangerously tempting. It would be too easy to lose his head, and drain her life away with no more than a kiss. Armed with a key to the magical pathways hidden behind the mundane world, Linc's own sly magic, and a will o' wisp with an attitude problem, they search for the broken piece of soul.

Too bad they're not the only ones looking for it.

With his self-control slipping, Linc finds himself indebted to a cousin he can't trust, running afoul of more than one god, and putting Delia in danger just by wanting her. He's looking at a jacked-up choice: Die to keep the only person who cares for him safe, or risk becoming a monster straight out of Japanese fairytales.

Nogitsune on Amazon

Nogitsune on B&N

Nogitsune on Smashwords

Selma Ruins Cruel Intentions

During the 90s we had this thing about remaking classic literature into mostly-crappy-but-mostly-amusing teen flicks with Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox 20 on the soundtracks. The best remembered of these are probably 10 Things I Hate About You, Romeo & Juliet, Clueless and also Clueless.

"I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you
can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to
 my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never
giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver who
took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least,
 the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours
making those egg McMuffins, without which I might
never be tardy."

Some of these adaptations worked better than others. Clueless and 10 Things I Hate About You (reworkings of Emma and The Taming of the Shrew, respectively) were both about pretty universal concepts (stop meddling; stop being such a bitch to everyone), so they translated well.

Others are more questionable. "O" is an Othello retelling that centers around basketball, because... black people do basketball, I guess. This is obviously a dicey topic, as race always is, and as a white person I'm not really qualified to talk about it (let me know if you have any good links, by the way, so I can signal boost).

Ehhhhhhhhhh.

But I will say this: the original Othello was a cautionary tale about marrying below your station. Desdemona and Othello are doomed, not because they don't love each other or because they aren't good people, but because Othello is forced by the nature of the marriage to be continually looking for approval from those above him. Race does play into it, in the sense that people back then were gross and every time Othello did something good they were like "wow you're so much better than your skin how great", but it's not the main focus. Having Othello be a different race was the easiest way to distinguish him as being irrevocably beneath Desdemona's station, so Shakespeare went with that.

The movie "O", however, takes place now and focuses on the revenge aspect of the plot. This means that instead of Othello being driven mad by his unattainable desire for approval, Othello (Odin) is just... a good basketball player. At a disadvantage in society yes, but he's not driven mad by Iago (Hugo) in this version: from the very first time he doubts Desi (hey Julia Stiles, were you in all of these movies?), he gets aggressive. It's jealousy alone (mostly brought on by his own mind) that drives him to get violent with Desi multiple times.

In a society where young black men are often stereotyped as mindlessly violent, I can't be comfortable with this interpretation. The movie wants us to believe both that Odin is a good person and that his behavior escalates to domestic violence with barely any provocation. Nope nope nope nope nope.

But I think the very least appropriate for a teen remake was Dangerous Liaisons, a French book/play/movie about bored aristocrats.

In its original form, it was an epistolary novel that explored the dark side of the human spirit through the lens of petty malice. Vicomte de Valmont and Marquise de Merteiul are 40-somethings with nothing better to do than scheme to wreck the people around them - and each other. I think its best interpretation was probably the 1989 film starring Glenn Close and John Malkovich.

Its worst interpretation was the 1999 teen remake Cruel Intentions, about rich high schoolers living on New York's Upper Fashionable Side.

Well this looks like a masterpiece of subtlety.

The plot is relatively close to the source material: Kathryn (Sarah Michelle Gellar in the worst casting decision of her life) is a rich girl who wants revenge on some random high schooler who dumped her. Sebastian (Ryan Phillippe) is her step-brother, and his goal is to sleep with a "paradigm of chastity and virtue" named Annette (Reese Witherspoon, pre-Legally Blonde and also talent). They make a wager that Sebastian can't seduce Annette and... um, I'll let Wikipedia take this one away.

Thanks for that clarification.

Essentially what happens is that through a lot of convoluted plot twists and turns (ALL OF THE SPOILERS AHEAD AND I DO MEAN ALL OF THEM), Sebastian agrees to do Kathryn's dirty work on her ex, Kathryn aids and abets Sebastian, Sebastian seduces Annette, Annette gives in, Sebastian decides he really does love her, Kathryn threatens to ruin Annette's reputation if Sebastian doesn't break up with Annette, Sebastian breaks up with Annette, Kathryn tells people that Sebastian hit her, there's a fight, Sebastian gets hit by the slowest cab in New York, Kathryn gets slut-shamed at his funeral, the end.

And this is what's wrong with this adaptation: you cannot imbue the actions of modern-day teenagers with the same weight and significance as those of 40-something pre-French Revolution aristocrats. You just can't. None of this means anything, because Sebastian doesn't have a lifetime of debauchery behind him, and Kathryn doesn't have the shackles of a woman's role in the late 1700s.

In Cruel Intentions, Kathryn does mean things because EVIL. In the source material, it's implied that Kathryn's vindictive nature is the result of a lifetime of confinement, and the only way her intellect and desire for power can be satisfied is by manipulating the lives of those around her.

In Cruel Intentions, Sebastian is a sensitive soul with a journal and acquisitive nature. In the source material, Valmont is a bored womanizer dulled to excitement by a lifetime of debauchery - it's significant that there, his downfall comes from his own vanity rather than concern for Annette, which he's made himself all but incapable of.

Dangerous Liaisons is about two similar minds driving themselves and each other to an inevitable destruction, spreading wreckage everywhere they pass. Cruel Intentions kind of isn't - it really wants us to feel for poor woobie Sebastian, which of course negates the entire point of the story. If Kathryn is the sole player pulling the strings, then it's just a story about an unfortunate guy getting drawn into the snare of an evil slore.

Because reasons.

This might be more interesting if Kathryn had any nuance or personality beyond EVIL EVIL EVIL, but despite the best efforts of the "I'm the Marcia Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself" speech, it all falls flat. She has no motivation beyond KILL BURN KILL BURN FIRE PRETTY.

The irritating thing is, this movie didn't have to be bad. While you couldn't do an exact remake into teenagerland, it would have been so very easy to make a movie about two young rich people who want opposite things (say, they both want the same girl/boy), and how after a lifetime of "yes" they can't comprehend the word "no", and the horrific lengths they go to in order to maintain the status quo of getting anything they want.

Aside from the plot stuff, on a mechanics level this movie is just not very good. I think the people making it did put in some effort, but the buck must have stopped at the casting director, because wow do these performances fall flat. Evil has never looked good on Sarah Michelle Gellar (love her, but she has all the range of a toddler on a kazoo), Ryan Phillippe seems to think that cutting. off. every. word. like. this. is. acting, and Reese Witherspoon barely even bothered to show up. Witherspoon in particular is so mind-numbingly personality-void that I... zzz... sorry, slipped into that dang coma again.

Also, in the original, the people around Valmont and Merteiul suffer for V&M's sins. In this, pretty much everything is happy ever after except for the original two. Reese even drives off in Sebastian's car all hair-blowing-free-in-the-wind. So I guess the moral is that seducing doomed rich jerks = free car.

Wait... when the hell did you get that?! What, did he write
his will on the ER intake form?

Cruel Intentions isn't a good movie, but at least it fails in interesting ways, which is more than I can say for a lot of other movies. And if you're into convoluted wealthy teen drama, it could be a good popcorn watch. For my money, I'll go with Get Over It.

Because unlike the rest of you
plebes, I have TASTE.

Sometimes the Tiger Rides You

Horseback riding is one of those things that forces life lessons on you even when you don't want them. It's like philosophy punching you down the throat. Via a half-ton animal.

I went out to the stables last night hoping for an easy ride. I've been a little worked up and tense about things in my day to day life: book release, wedding stuff, work stuff. The temperature was perfect and it was a glorious blue-sky day, so I figured I'd pull out Giraffe and do some fun, easy fieldwork.

Well, I did fieldwork, but it was neither easy nor fun.

Writing's like that too sometimes. Even when you come up with a stellar idea, you have days (or weeks) where you sit down in front of a blank page and just stare at it. Like all creative ventures, it's not enough to have all the right parts of the equation. Idea + Motivation + Skill = Good Book in theory, but in practice, there's another variable in there. You need that extra something; spark or inspiration or what have you.

It's more like this: Idea + Motivation + Skill + X = Good Book. And you spend all your time solving for X.

Last night I went out on horseback hoping for a fun ride, and instead the horse freaked out at everything. We did a bucking/rearing tour of, let's see... a tractor (MONSTER), a creek (WATER MONSTER), a bush (ALSO MONSTER), and as far as I could tell, empty air (MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER).

I've been riding for a long time, and my specialty is problem horses, so I never actually came off in the field - it happens to me, of course, just not very often. But when I dismounted and went to run up the stirrups before heading in, the horse swung his head around to nuzzle me and jammed the bone of his nose into my finger.

To clarify, the last time a horse full-on clocked me with its nose, it broke my nose.

Talk about adding insult to injury. I came out of a fairly harrowing hour of riding completely unscathed, only to have the horse mess me up by accident on the ground.

Like with writing, there is no getting around it: occasionally the things you love just aren't any fun. Occasionally all your efforts just blow up in your face. Sometimes you ride the tiger; sometimes the tiger rides you.

How well you can roll with the punches is what makes or breaks you, I guess. Nobody really wants to spend an evening debating whether or not their finger is broken, but it is what it is. You either suck it up, let it go, and move on, or you don't come back.

I keep coming back, broken bones and all.

Research Smut

What, you don't love research as much as I do? And here I thought this would be the most exciting post of the week.

Because Protect Me is about a female bodyguard, I had to do a lot of data gathering. I knew a small amount about personal security because of my dad, whose life has been a lot more exciting than mine. But executive protection (aka bodyguard-ing) and dealing with the threat of violence every day was by no means my area of expertise, so...

You may notice that three of these are by Rory Miller. Look, he writes good stuff! I'm not a fangirl or anything...

Books

I

also

own

Aha. Ahahahaha... Okay shut up.

But seriously, Rory Miller is that rare person with both experience and enough writing talent to convey the things he's learned effectively. If you're at all interested in personal security, violence theory, or the practicalities of dealing with violence, I can't recommend Meditations on Violence highly enough. I've fobbed it off on all my family and friends, if that tells you anything. He has a blog (here's an entry on martial arts/violence misinformation) that's on the flow-of-consciousness side, but in his case, that's still worth reading. I'd just read one of his books first so you have a framework for it.

A fantastic online resource I found was the blog Zen Traveler, about a guy who's both a bodyguard and a Buddhist. Unfortunately the site is closed - I actually emailed to thank him for the info on the site and he graciously replied telling me that he'd moved on from the blog, but would be happy to answer any questions - but the info is no less worth reading now than it was a year ago.

Another day, another novel... This might give you a clue about the book I'm working on now.

NO WAIT COME BACK WHERE
ARE YOU GOING

So, anybody out there got any good research stories for me? Are you researching anything interesting? Hit me! It's not like my nonfiction list is full to bursting already...