Top Ten Wedding DONT'S

Yes, wedding "don'ts"... from 1904.

This was a birthday present. Readers, I cackled. Best birthday present ever? And now I'm here for you to hold your hand through this tour guide of the mysterious realm of 1904. Ready?

1. Don't permit girls to form foolish ideas about men. A girl with brothers will make a wiser choice than one who has formed her ideas from heroes of fiction.

2. Don't wonder that free and easy parents often find their daughters remain unmarried. Man is a hunter who values his spoils in proportion to the difficulties overcome in the chase.

So buy some top-grade deer urine to pour over your daughter in order to aid Man in his hunt.

3. Don't scorn a bachelor girl who is living in independent fashion. It may prove amusing to divert her from anti-matrimonial theories.

Girls all want to be married and have babies. Lots of babies. ALL OF THE BABIES. ALL OF THEM.

4. Don't haunt a girl whose acquaintance you seek. There is a wide margin between accepting invitations in the hope of meeting her and walking past her house several times a day, or shadowing her in public places.

...Edward.

5. Don't bestow effusive attentions on your lover, nor boast of his devotion to you. It is good for him to see that other men are in the running.

Why, you saucy minx!

6. Don't deny later problems if you marry a man much younger than yourself. The advance of age will make you old while he remains in his prime. You may pray for death for release, or wear a wig and paint your face, but if you live long enough, both of you will suffer.

Wow, Matthew Lewis would just love this author.

7. Don't scoff at the older man who retains youth's vitality; many a girl would be proud to marry him.

PRAY FOR DEATH I SAY... Oh wait, old man, A+, would bone again.

8. Don't belittle the delicious insecurity preceding a Declaration of Love. It may be the ante-chamber to an earthly paradise. It may be a fool's paradise.

... I have no idea what this means!

9. Don't fail to ensure your lady understands that you are asking her to be your wife - she cannot urge you to be explicit.

She cannot urge you to be explicit because, as a woman, her tongue has been conveniently cut out already.

10. Don't trifle with your middle-aged fiancee by neglecting her for younger, fresher faces. Ease her burdens, and give her credit for managing so far to get through life without you.

Crowdsourcing My Wedding Dress Choice

Those of you who read my blog or follow me on Twitter might be aware that I'm getting married in a little over a month. I say getting married, not having a wedding, because I'm just going to the courthouse with B... but family and my BFF is coming, because I don't know, these things just happen to me.

A Say Yes to the Dress -style wedding gown was out of the question; that was never my style to begin with and it would look silly at the courthouse (to me. If that's what you want to do, more power to you). But about six months ago I just so happened to stumble across something on Pinterest and it was... perfect.

I loved it. My mom loved it. My BFF loved it. B was sure to love it.

And then I didn't buy it.

Look, I'm a busy person, okay?! I have important Disney sequels to watch. Shopping has never interested me terribly, and time got away from me. That dress is from an actual bridal store (although it's a bridesmaid's dress, not a wedding dress) and it takes forever to ship, and then you have to tailor it. At this point... no.

So! Today I went to the Twitter-mobile, and my lovely pals on there recommended places to look at dresses. And I found some gorgeous ones! I'm gonna show you the three I'm considering, and if you have an opinion, please comment! I'd love input.

Oh and, of course, when the deed is done I'll put up a pic of me in the dress so you can see what you hath wrought.

Things you should know: I'm 5'6"-ish and a size 8-10. Big bust and child-bearin' hips. Red hair, but I can wear pink because instead of being ginger my hair is this mutant combination of brown and blonde and red mixed together (no really, the whole underside of my hair is colored blonde naturally. It's weird). Almost as pale as the guy who flogs himself in The Da Vinci Code. Gray eyes. More interested in liking the dress than being the most bridey bride who ever brode.

Dress #1

This looks super flattering, and I
love the color.

Dress #2

The most bride-y. I like the sleeves.

Dress #3

I don't know why I love this so much,
but I do! I think it's repressed Cinderella
memories or something.

To the comments, my pretties, fly!

The Wedding Cult

It's amazing how "I'm not having a wedding" turns into "NO REALLY I'M REALLY NOT HAVING A WEDDING", isn't it?

Even though I'm just going to the courthouse to get married, it's somehow turned into an ~event~. Which was the total opposite of what I wanted, but there's just very little you can say when people are willing and eager to show up to five minutes of you singing your name. But I'll budge on that. What I won't budge on is throwing a party.

In spite of a vast and unabated love for all things Disney, I somehow completely escaped wedding culture. In spite of attending several and being a bridesmaid at several more, I still just kind of don't get it. I like weddings fine, don't get me wrong, but I feel the same way about weddings that I do about model railroads: just fine, if a little odd, but definitely nothing I want to invest my time or money into.

Maybe a big part of it is that I'm just not a very visually artistic person. Even as a kid I didn't really like fingerpainting. I think a lot of people love the idea of creating this design masterpiece of a party, but I'm pretty meh on that idea personally.

Other people definitely enjoy being the center of attention for a day. I never feel particularly starved for attention, lol. I don't crave the spotlight, but I don't go around feeling ignored, so this one doesn't really speak to my soul either.

And of course, some people just want the chance to gather their friends and family together for a big party. But I hate parties and usually spend them supporting the wall, and I already spend a ton of time with my close friends and family (I think it's been about five years since I've gone more than 24 hours without some kind of contact with my BFF), so that's also a non-issue.

I guess this got a bit off track - the point is, there's lots of reasons to have a big fun wedding, but the main one should be that you want a big fun wedding. Which I don't. I can't help thinking it's a pretty silly world when someone asks me, "Don't you want to celebrate your love for one another?"

Well... no?

B is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. But no matter how many times people try to convince me that I'll regret for the rest of my life not throwing a huge party in celebration of our love, I remain unconvinced.

The whole thing starts to take on these guilty overtones, like, if you really loved one another you'd want to have a wedding! Are you ashamed of your love? Is it lukewarm? Is it undeserving of at least thirty five reality shows dedicated to its process?

Well, I guess that's possible. But six months after we initially met (and B immediately lost my phone number), when we met again, we still liked each other enough to give it a go. And six years after we got together (the day before Valentine's Day, which we both summarily ignored because seriously that is awkward one day into a relationship), we still like each other pretty well. Not that you could tell by Facebook - I think we've interacted on Facebook a total of 3 times, to tag the very few pictures we've put up. Even if you were hanging out with us, you probably wouldn't think about it much; PDA is a no-no for us around our friends, many of whom are single and (let's be real) none of whom want to see that.

Much like our relationship, B and I's wedding will take place largely behind the scenes. We just don't need a party.

Say why do I like this so much?

One of the things that continues to baffle me is my complete addiction to TLC's Say Yes to the Dress.

It's joy and till-death-do-us-part all over the place here.

Tons of women get a kick out of anything wedding-related, that's no mystery. But I truly am not sure why I'm able to watch episode after episode of nothing but wedding dress appointments. I mean, after awhile, all the dresses start to look the same!

Except maybe this one.

But this show captivates me. I can watch an embarrassing number of hours of women picking out white dresses. I can totally buy into the whole "this is the only dress of your entire life that will matter" ideal and happily exclaim yay or nay from the sidelines.

What can I conclude about this? Heck if I know. But I'm not going to stop watching anytime soon.