Selma Ruins The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

"So are we the same person, or...?"

When You Stop Trying to Make an Adaptation and Start Just Trying to Make Money

I've seen The Hobbit about four times now, and I squealed out loud in the theater when the dwarves sang and the Wargs showed up.

So please, nobody come after me with an axe when I tell you that The Hobbit is a terrible adaptation.

Is it a terrible *movie*? Well... I like it, and not in an ironic or snarky way. I genuinely enjoy the movie. But does that make it good? Not really.

See, the problem with The Hobbit is that all of its good parts come directly from the book that it adapts. Which makes me think that it would've been a great movie IF THEY'D JUST STOPPED PADDING THE DAMN THING.

The Lord of the Rings was a cultural phenomenon that changed the way movie franchises were created, sold, and marketed. You could argue that Harry Potter also helped, but I think the main way that Harry Potter contributed was as backup, to confirm that LOTR wasn't a fluke. Because the Harry Potter movies suck (sorry people who like them, they do!). LOTR is a series of skillful, masterful movies that are both fun and emotionally effective. It's hard to argue with their merit.

The Hobbit is their successor in a whole lot of bad ways.

Right now we're living in the age of the superhero. We've mined so much material from comic books that we've actually created a hydra of Marvel movies that operate together as well as separately (at least you brought me Jeremy Renner, Avengers).

Superhero movies are a testament to brand name recognition and the hesitance of investors in uncertain economic times. New scripts are unknowns, you have to take a gamble that they'll catch audience eyes. But known franchises? Hey, you've got a built in audience! Why would you pass that up?

And so we come to The Hobbit, which has been stretched out of a relatively simple, jovial children's book into the bastard son of LOTR, the Silmarilion, and studio executives hissing, "MOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR."

Here's the plot of The Hobbit: Dwarves want gold, so Gandalf helps them put together a team and they traipse across Middle Earth to find it. 

Here's the plot of the first Hobbit movie: Dwarves want gold, so Gandalf helps them put together a team, but Thorin's whole family fell to gold-lust and got involved in a blood feud with this one bigass orc who comes after them right now because shut up he was busy for the last 50 years, but also The Dark Is Rising in the forest of this wizard so he's coming after Gandalf to get help with the Necromancer and *pant pant pant*

The best parts of The Hobbit movie are taken straight out of the book, and that's not just the nostalgia goggles talking. The problem with adding in Bigass Revenge Orc and Necromancer and Totally Not Evil Saruman is that these things distract from the goal of the journey, which is to reclaim the homeland of the dwarves. In LOTR, the goal is to kill the ring. We split our focus and follow the plight of the peoples of Middle Earth in order to understand WHY this ring has to be destroyed. The split focus is necessary in order to give Frodo's quest weight.

In The Hobbit, why is our focus divided? Well, you could say that Bigass Revenge Orc helps develop the characterization of Thorin. But why? Thorin is the leader. He wants to get his home back because he's king. We don't need another reason. We understand the quest for a rightful throne. 

And as for the Necromancer, Radagast, and the Not Evil Council, they affect the company of Thorin and Co. not at all. Their sole result is to act as a prequel to films that have already been released. They serve no narrative purpose whatsoever. 

Peter Jackson split The Hobbit into three films for the sole purpose of making money, and possibly to add some bonus geekery, and the film is infinitely weaker for it. There was no narrative purpose to the changes they made. So yes, The Hobbit is a bad adaptation, because it is not an adaptation of the The Hobbit! It's an adaptation of The Hobbit + The Silmarilion + Some Shit We Added About Dwarf Wars and Single Revenge Orcs + Studio Greed.

The Seeker is the DOA nominal adaptation of Susan Cooper's famous The Dark Is Rising young adult fantasy novels. The screenwriter they hired "didn't like fantasy". The story was immediately changed both for reasons (to make it more like Harry Potter) and for ...reasons (she mentions Vikings! Let's add in a ton of Vikings! The kids love Vikings, right?). The main characters were changed from English to American (even though the movie takes place in an English village), the plot was torn apart for no clear reason, and even the name was changed.

Odds are pretty good you've never heard of it, and there's a reason for that. The author hated it, the movie bombed immediately upon release, and it proudly holds a 14% approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes.

As much as it pains me to use it as a (slightly) more positive example, while Transformers is also a bad adaptation, Transformers is aided by the fact that there had already been several different incarnations of the source material. It operated in a state of flux, so nobody was too surprised when Michael Bay took what he wanted and threw out the rest. But I ask you this: why did Michael Bay make a Transformers movie and turn it into a PG-13 CGI actionfest? Was it because he loved the source material? Hell no. It was to cash in on that sweet, sweet brand name recognition.

Probably some people can change things purely for Teh Profit and reap the rewards ( in fact, Jim Butcher stated about his hugely successful Dresden Files series that, "When I finally got tired of arguing with her and decided to write a novel as if I was some kind of formulaic, genre writing drone, just to prove to her how awful it would be, I wrote the first book of the Dresden Files."). But generally speaking, I think it's almost a guarantee that if you change something solely because you want to cash in on a trend or stretch out the material, it's going to fail, or at the very least be unrecognizable as an adaptation.

Selma Ruins The Hobbit

A certain movie about dwarves and hobbits (and a surprisingly large number of elves and men) came out on DVD this week. Spoilers, obviously.

"I cannot remember a single one of your names."

The movie starts and heyyyyyyy is this the Lord of the Rings? Oh no, wait, Ancient Bilbo is here to exposit at us some. That's cool because there's lots of dwarf backstory and HEYYYYYY Thorin Oakenbaby is here to class up the joint.

A dragon! There's a dragon! It's awesome but it doesn't talk so we can't tell that it's Benedict Cumberbatch. This dragon is here to wreck yo castle and solve mysteries AND WE'RE ALL OUT OF MYSTERIES.

Elves are jerks, Thorin is bitter, this is getting to be a downer and why is that elf riding a giant elk?

It's the Shire! I can't tell if my nostalgia is for the book version or for the Lord of the Rings movies that came out these many 12 years ago, but either way, eeeee!

Gandalf shows up and vagues at Bilbo awhile, and Martin Freeman wonders if there's any actual reason he's getting drawn into this adventure... or... no? Well okay then. Dwarven unauthorized home entry! And nobody comments? I'm just saying, the Shire seems like the kind of place that would have a Neighborhood Watch.

The dwarves steal a lifetime's worth of hoarded food and eat it in front of Bilbo. These guys need some serious Charm School. Then they start singing and OMG IT IS MY CHILDHOOD and it's nothing, really, there's just something in my eye.

Bilbo: "... Can you please leave now?"
Thorin: "I have a map."
Bilbo: "OOH SHINY."

So Gandalf wants Bilbo on the Dwarven Revenge Squad, but Thorin is stealing all of Benedict Cumberbatch's disdain for this movie, and also Bilbo is scared. And... has no reason to leave? I'll be honest, this is one of the parts that fell pretty flat compared to the book. I understand they have time constraints when they make a movie and they can't put in everything, but the book just worked better here because we got to see the other hobbits in The Shire compared to Bilbo, and we understood that Bilbo really didn't quite fit in. This version is more like... Bilbo: "I don't want to go!" Dwarves: "And we don't want to take him!" Gandalf: "YEAH WELL TOO BAD."

But of course, the plot takes hold and Bilbo rushes after them all because idk, maybe Gandalf magicked him or something. And then they wander merrily damply along the Balin Will Explain To You What The Hell Thorin's Damage Is Trail.

Meanwhile, some character we don't know and don't care about has bird poop in his hair.

Back at the ranch... somewhat literally...

Kili: "Hey Bilbo! Ponies are missing! Go check it out, yeah?" *wink*
Bilbo: "Why are you so weirdly attractive?"
Kili: "Look, it worked for Lord of the Rings, okay? If we are going to have a grand total of ONE female character in this movie then we sure as hell better bring the pretty. And I sure as hell bring the pretty."
Bilbo: "Fair point, well made."

So Bilbo moseys off and nearly gets everyone eaten by trolls because the Peter Principle is at full effect in Dwarven adventuring groups. Good going, Bilbo.

Thorin: "Hey Gandalf, it's almost like THIS WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA."
Gandalf: "If it wasn't for the halfling, you'd have all lost your heads and not just in the metaphorical sense! All that panicking you were doing and you were upstaged by a hobbit. Ha! My ideas are the best ideas."
Thorin: "If it wasn't for the halfling, someone competent would've gone to get the ponies."
Gandalf: "HEY LOOK SOME ORCS."

Running running, Bird Poop McGee shows up again on a weirdly creepy rabbit sled and draws off the attackers. Gotta say, these dwarves are not impressing me. Which in the book made sense, but here with Muscles leading things, it seems a little weird.

And then they misread a sign or two and end up taking the Ironic Route of escape which leads to Elrond's place!

Thorin: "I hate everybody."
Gandalf: "Shut up my elf girlfriend is here okay do you even know what the long distance and the whole marriage thing does to our relationship. Besides, elves are cool! I love elves! QUICK, EVERYBODY LIE TO ELROND."
Elrond: "Sup?"
Everybody: *lies*

Finally one of those mythical ladyfolks appears in the movie, and someone seems to have accidentally put her in rollerblades, or on one of those revolving platforms. Er, set designers? I do not think this is as dignified as you thought it would be.

Gandalf: "Bad stuff is happening for realz guys."
Saruman: "Oh Gandy, you worry too much."
Galadriel: ~meaningful staaaaaaaaaaaring~

Just when the audience has had it up to here with Gandalf being like "look bad stuff's happening" and Saruman being like "NO U", the dwarves escape into... a scene from the Neverending Story? There are rock giants and it's supposed to be super tense because everybody almost dies but instead, the audience just sits there in confusion trying to figure out what scene in the book this is supposed to be. (Answer: NONE OF THEM.)

And then Bilbo almost dies but Thorin saves him and at the apex of Martin Freeman's crush on the tall, dark, cranky detective dwarf, Thorin goes all I WISH THE GOBLINS WOULD COME AND TAKE YOU AWAY! RIGHT NOW!

Bilbo: "Is this like when Edward said he hated Bella for her own good?"
Thorin: "NO. THIS IS LIKE WHEN I SAID I HATED YOU BECAUSE I HATE YOU."
Bilbo: *lip quiver*

So then Bilbo decides to run away, and has a solid hobbit-to-dwarf brotalk with one of the dwarves in stupid hats, look, if the movie can't be bothered to remind us of their names then I have no freaking clue.

But just as Bilbo's about to hug his copy of He's Just Not That Into You tight to his chest and walk away, Jareth sends all of his goblins up from the Labyrinth, because Thorin knew the magic words. And then there's a lot of falling in caves, and Jabba the Hut Goblin can talk because the plot says so, and Bilbo gets his big scene with Gollum. Which is admittedly awesome.

Then everyone escapes and - wait, they only NOW realize that Bilbo isn't here? I call some bull on this one, you guys had to know he wasn't around!

Thorin: "It's all for the better that he ran away or died or whatevs, I never liked that guy anyway."
Bilbo: "Howdy."
Thorin: "...Well this is awkward."

Then the huge white orc of Hope You Guys Can Tell This One Apart Because He's Thematically Important to Stretching This Franchise Over Three Movies attacks! And it totally sucks because the tree scene is nothing like the ones in the books, which is my absolute favorite part. Booooo. Thorin is an idiot and almost gets Warged, but Bilbo jumps down from a tree to save him because... um... he's into guys that don't treat him right?

Everyone's getting their butts handed to them when EAGLES! EAGLES FOR EVERYONE! An eagle for you, and for you, and you...

And then the movie ends with a heartfelt (but not too heartfelt because of chomping) "I was wrong-ish" hug between Thorin and Bilbo.

The End... until the next two movies.